Wednesday, March 03, 2010
A Tool: Affirmations for Adoptive Families – Part One
There are many different tools a social worker uses with children, parents, and communities to promote healthy development, attachment, belonging, and permanence. In working with foster and adoptive parents and children throughout their journey for the last 20 years, I often have used quotes from Dee Paddock’s “Adoption with Attitude: Affirmations for Conscious Living as Adoptive Families.” Dee graciously has given me permission to use her affirmations in trainings and presentations in the community and here are a few of my favorite adoption affirmations from her booklet:
Adopted children have a profound longing in their hearts: “Why didn’t she keep me?” Reactive parents hear this as a betrayal. Proactive parents hear this as a gift from their adopted child: “I trust you enough to share my deepest truth with you.”
I do not have the answer to my child’s question. Even if I know {his or her} birth mother, it is not my answer to give. My children will discover their own answers in their own time, in their own way.”
Adoptive parents often hear,” Oh, your family is in counseling. I’m sorry to hear that.” Reactive parents feel guilty and inadequate. Proactive parents know that parenting is a tough job and that asking for help is a sign of strength and competence.
Counseling is a normal an supportive resource as we meet the developmental challenges of our adoptive family.
Proactive adoptive parents can decrease the trauma response of their adopted children by giving them small, manageable elements of daily control that increases their sense of mastery and competence.
I will teach my child a new response to life’s stresses. I will not lie to my child about the past. I will not lie to my child about the trauma. I will not lie to my child about the challenges of healing from trauma. I will forgive myself for the times we will fail.
Sometimes the intimacy of family life overwhelms our adopted children. They fear that if they truly fall in love with us, then we may leave them too. Love in adoptive families can feel threatening at times, and our children may push us away to keep their hearts safe.
My child, I will stand still and strong as you pull me lcose and push me away, testing the safety of your attachment to me.
Birth parents and adoptive parents have been pitted against each other in a perceived tug-of-war over a child…
My child’s birth parents are not the enemy. They do not threaten my status as the “real” parent. They are real. I am real.
Since adoption is often a second choice for birth parents and adoptive parents, the culture assumes that it is second best. Our children struggle with the “second-best, not-as-good-as” stereotypes from friends and strangers alike.
I will remember that although adoption works very well for me as the adult, my children may struggle with burdens they didn’t choose. I will allow them the freedom to cry out that, sometimes, adoption is second choice for them too!
Our children were there as birth parents struggled with their adoption decision. We were here, struggling with our own adoption decision. “Can I do this? Can I not do this? We all asked again and again. At times the answer came back, “Yes you can,” and then, “No you can’t,” and so often, “I don’t know.”
My child, as you revisit your adoption again and again, you can say “Yes” or “no” or “I don’t know,” and I will honor each answer.
